What to Say in Your First Message on a Dating Site

Dec 12, 2025

3 min read

Updated: 3 days ago

Your first message often decides whether you get a reply or get left on read. People on dating sites can receive dozens of messages a day, so a simple “hi” rarely stands out. This guide covers what works, what to avoid, and how to keep the conversation going once they reply.

Why your first message matters

Your first message sets the tone for everything that follows. A thoughtful opener shows you’ve read their profile and that you’re interested in more than their photos. A generic “hey” gives them nothing to reply to, while a message that picks up on something they’ve shared makes you memorable.

Three openers that work

Ask a question

Questions invite a reply, especially open-ended ones that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. Make it specific to their profile where you can. If they mention hiking, try: “What’s the best walk you’ve done recently?”

Comment on their profile

Picking up on a photo, hobby or interest shows you’ve paid attention. If they have a festival photo, you could say: “I see you made it to Glastonbury! Who was the best act you saw?”

Add a playful tease

A light, friendly tease shows your sense of humour. Keep it kind: humour doesn’t always come across in text, so avoid sarcasm. If they love coffee: “I see you’re a coffee lover. Please don’t judge my instant coffee habit.”

Examples you can adapt

“If you could travel anywhere right now, where would you go?”
“I noticed you love cooking Italian food. What’s your signature dish?”
“Your cat looks like it’s either plotting world domination or judging me. Which is it?”
“I’m on a mission to find the best pizza in town. Any recommendations, or should we start a taste test?”
“What’s a film you could watch over and over?”

Use them as a starting point and make them your own.

A simple structure

Greet them by name.
Mention something from their profile.
Ask a question or make a comment that invites a reply.

For example: “Hi Sarah, I noticed you love jazz. Have you been to any good live shows lately?”

A few sentences is plenty. A long first message can feel like a lot.

Messages to avoid

Generic greetings like “hi”, “hey” or “what’s up?”
One-word messages, or just “you’re cute”
Sexual comments
Cheesy pick-up lines
Negative or critical remarks
Heavy topics such as politics, religion or past relationships
Lots of emojis or slang that isn’t really you

Messaging dos and don’ts

Do check your spelling. A quick read-through shows effort and avoids awkward typos.
Do keep your tone friendly. Without a face or a voice, text is easy to misread. Avoid writing in capitals, which can look like shouting.
Don’t send message after message. If they haven’t replied yet, wait rather than following up straight away.
Don’t reply when you’re annoyed. Step away and come back to it later.
Don’t share personal details too soon. Keep your phone number, address, workplace and financial details to yourself until you know someone well.

How to keep the conversation going

Ask follow-up questions about their answers.
Share a little about yourself so it feels balanced.
Use humour lightly to keep things fun.
Look for common ground: shared hobbies, favourite shows or similar experiences.
When the conversation is flowing, suggest a video call or meeting somewhere public.

If you don’t get a reply

Not every message gets an answer, and that’s okay. People have all sorts of reasons for not replying, and most have nothing to do with you. Move on and try someone else.

Be yourself

Write the way you’d talk. If you’re funny, be funny; if you’re thoughtful, show that. A genuine, specific first message and a thoughtful follow-up can turn a match into a real connection.