What to Say in Your First Message on a Dating Site

Steve Manley
Dec 12, 2025
3 min read

Updated: Dec 17, 2025

When it comes to dating sites and apps, the first message you send can make or break your chances of connecting with someone. Crafting the right opener is crucial to stand out from the crowd, spark interest, and start a meaningful conversation. In this guide, we’ll break down what works, what doesn’t, and how to keep the conversation flowing.

Why the First Message Matters

Your first message sets the tone for the entire conversation. A strong opener shows that you’ve taken the time to notice something unique about the person and signals that you’re genuinely interested. On dating apps, where users receive dozens of messages a day, a thoughtful, creative, or funny introduction can dramatically increase your chances of getting a reply. A generic "hi" or "hey" often gets lost in the shuffle, while a well-crafted message can make you memorable.

Best Opener Types

Not all openers are created equal. Successful first messages typically fall into three categories: question-based, comment-on-profile, and playful tease. Each has its strengths and can be adapted to your personality and the person you’re messaging.

Question-based

Questions are an excellent way to spark a conversation because they invite the other person to respond. Ask something specific about their profile or interests. For example, if someone’s profile mentions that they love hiking, you could ask, "What’s your favourite trail you’ve ever hiked?" Open-ended questions encourage a dialogue and make it easier for the other person to respond.

Comment-on-profile

Referencing something specific from a person’s profile shows that you’ve paid attention. Highlighting a shared interest or complimenting a hobby can create an immediate connection. For example, if they have a photo at a music festival, you could say, "I see you went to Coachella! Which act was your favourite?" This approach feels personal and thoughtful rather than generic.

Playful tease

A lighthearted, playful tease can show off your sense of humour and make your first message more memorable. Keep it fun and avoid anything that could come across as offensive. For example, if they mention loving coffee, you could say, "I see you’re a coffee enthusiast. I hope you don’t judge my addiction to instant coffee." Playful messages can break the ice and create a relaxed atmosphere.

Copy-and-Paste Examples

Here are some first message examples that fit each opener type:

Question-based: "If you could travel anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?"
Comment-on-profile: "I noticed you love cooking Italian food. What’s your signature dish?"
Playful tease: "You have a cat in your profile picture. Are they secretly plotting world domination or just judging me?"

These examples can be adapted to suit your style or the person you’re messaging, giving you a starting point for crafting your own messages.

Messages to Avoid

Some messages are almost guaranteed to reduce your chances of getting a reply. Avoid:

Generic greetings like "hi" or "hey"
Overly sexual comments
One-word messages
Copying cheesy pickup lines that feel insincere
Being too negative or critical

The key is to be respectful, genuine, and engaging.

How to Keep Conversation Going

Once you get a response, the goal is to maintain momentum. Here are some tips:

Ask follow-up questions: Show curiosity about their answers and experiences.
Share a little about yourself: Balance the conversation by revealing your own interests and personality.
Use humour wisely: Light jokes and playful banter keep the conversation fun.
Look for common ground: Shared hobbies, favourite shows, or similar experiences can deepen the connection.
Know when to move off the app: If the conversation flows well, suggest a casual video call or in-person meetup.